Make You Proud
by Bhetelgeus
Summary: Ben Solo tried to do everything right, to be the best Padawan and become the best Jedi he possibly could. How, then, could have things gone so terribly wrong? ((An over-used plot bunny, I'm aware, but alas, my own take on how Ben Solo fell to the Dark Side.))
He'd tried his very best to understand. He did… but when his mother had sent him away in his father's already absent wake, Ben could only feel the icy void of abandonment. Still, he'd smiled and nodded and taken up his uncle's offer to train him in the ways of the Force. He should be happy; become a Jedi? A hero? Hone his already exceptional powers? It was every little boy's dream. Ben's very few friends, other children of people fighting with the Resistance, had already expressed their jealousy and support. So, of course, he did what he was told. He waved good bye to his mother and stepped onto his uncle's ship and was spirited away to some other place on some other planet in some other system, far, far away…

But, deep down… he knew it was because he'd become too much for his mother. That she no longer tolerated him, but feared him. It wasn't her fault. Leia was trying to run a rebellion and do so with a child. All alone. A child that was displaying frightful powers. Powers that were growing exponentially. Powers that frightened General Organa's soldiers and the people under her protection… She couldn't afford to have someone like her son causing fear and discord amongst the ranks. Even someone as young as Ben knew that. He'd been raised with the war, after all, and watched his parents closely. This was as much for his mother as it was for him.

Regardless, he just hadn't been able to forgive her… not completely. He hadn't been able to forgive anyone. But, least of all… himself.

The same feelings coursed through him as he silently backed his belongings into a travel pack. Even after several years of training under his uncle's tutelage, Ben's anger towards his father, his mother, and himself had only intensified. Instead of learning how to calm his mind and be rid of the self-loathing and feelings of abandonment, he'd only learned how to compartmentalize them. How to shove them into a box and keep shoving them in there, locking them away, only to come out in the dark of night when his nightmares overcame him.

Ever since he could remember, Ben had felt weak, like a burden, and he constantly dreamt of those that died because of the war, people he knew and didn't know, friend or foe, all of them… Dead because he was too weak to do anything. When he woke at night, screaming, just a boy… the bed would shake. His mother would come running in to try and calm him. However, this, too, abated with time. His mother came in to comfort him less and less frequently. Until she'd become accustomed to his nightmares and Ben woke up alone. It was then that the feelings of loneliness and isolation had finally broke through the barriers of his mind and took root there. His exile, masked by supposed Jedi training, had only intensified these feelings that had been brewing within him.

Which is why he had to leave.

When the nightmares reared their ugly heads at him now, the entire room shook. They were no longer visions of the people lost to war. The faces were the same, but they were now the people that had pushed him away, feared him, hated him, _abandoned him_ … Even his father and mother took a place beside them.

It wasn't the Jedi way and no matter what Luke said, it was only getting worse. _Ben_ was only getting worse. Even his fellow Padawans whispered behind his back in fear. Sometimes jealousy… But, mostly fear. They isolated Ben as well. And they were right to do so.

Ben… was dangerous. And no matter how much his uncle said to the contrary, Ben knew that he knew it, too.

It was for him… as much as it was for his mother… and for Uncle Luke… This thought repeated over and over as he finished packing his bag. If he left, then everyone would be safe. He could find some place far away from the war and the Jedi training and no longer worry about trying to control all of the anger he felt… All of the _hatred_ …

He'd turned to leave, but at the thought of his hatred, something froze him. His bag fell to the ground as the familiar warmth of his darker emotions wrapped around him. It was almost _tangible_ … and he longed to give in to them. It was the greatest source of his internal conflict. And the harder he fought against them, the more he felt them push their way in, as if a force stronger than himself guided them in. _'No,'_ he thought, gritting his teeth and pushing the thoughts as far away as he could. All he had to do was get out… escape… find the nearest ship willing to take him on and help him get as far away from his uncle and the Force and everything else… protecting them… from himself…

But the anger just felt so _good_ …

It was warm and gave Ben focus. It was completely different from the cold of solitude and isolation. His uncle chastised him when he called upon his anger and resentment to complete a task, but whenever he did, Ben succeeded. And at a level fair exceeding his fellow Padawans.

Ben fell to his knees beside the pack and gripped his head in his hands. It felt like it was splitting. Right down the middle. Half of him wanting so desperately to succeed and make Uncle Luke and his mother and his father proud, the other half… wanting nothing more than to tear them and everything around him apart. These feelings collided inside of him, sending sparks of pain, physical and emotional, all throughout his body, building and building in his head onto he was certain it would explode from the pressure. An anguished cry ripped itself out of Ben's lungs and past his lips.

The door to his room slid open and another Padawan learner, a girl, stepped in. She hadn't made it two steps to him before a Force Push launched her backwards and into the darkness of the halls.

The few items in Ben's room shook and fell from their places on the shelves, shattering loudly.

More people gathered in the halls. Ben could feel them closing in. Everyone always closing in, shoving him in a box, locking him away, hiding him, suppressing him, isolating him, pushing him, so lonely, terribly lo-

"Everyone get back! Go back to your rooms!"

Uncle Luke's voice was unmistakable, cutting through the roar in Ben's ears with ease. Ben squeezed his eyes shut against the noise, against the sight of everyone staring, against the feel of Luke's hands tightly gripping his shoulders… Their clothes whipped about wildly as Ben involuntarily sent out another push of the Force, but Luke didn't budge. "Ben," he said, his voice stern and calm, a perfect balance. It was everything Ben wasn't.

"GO AWAY!" the adolescent shouted. At a barely sixteen, his powers matched that of someone who should be far more advanced, but Luke was still stronger yet.

"Ben," he said again. He gave both of the boy's shoulders a gentle squeeze. "Ben, I need you to look at me…"

The Padawan shook his head. "I can't… I CAN'T! LET GO OF ME!" Another blast of the Force. With it, the air was charged with static electricity. Luke scowled, but maintained his calm tone.

He finally caught sight of Ben's travel pack before speaking. "Okay, Ben… Alright… I'll let go, just… talk to me…"

The anger, the fear, the sadness, the _darkness_ … it was like staring a swirling vortex of liquid smoke within the boy. Luke knew that Ben had had more trouble at controlling his emotions than the others, and even sensed the darkness that permeated the boy's dreams. However, it was obvious now that Ben had been doing a much better job at controlling them than he thought, as he'd never seen such a volatile mix within the boy before. "Just talk to me, alright?"

Ben didn't respond. His breath came in sharp pants and tears had long since slipped down his cheeks. He also didn't protest, so Luke gently removed his hands. They sat there, Ben struggling to control himself, Luke struggling not to wrap his arms around the boy in a protective embrace and somehow physically chase the darkness away… A strangled word or two fell from the boy's lips.

"I'm sorry?" Luke asked.

"I can't stay here…" Ben replied. Slowly, the boy opened his eyes and looked up at the Jedi master. "I can't stay here…"

Luke sighed gently. "Is that was this is about?" he asked, flicking his gaze towards the travel pack. Ben followed his gaze. Shame and guilt were written all over the poor boy's face as he neglected the reply. "May I ask why?"

Ben kept his head lowered, though he seemed to have reached some sort of stabilization in his mood. "I don't belong here," he answered. Before his uncle could protest, he added, "I'm not a Jedi… I never will be… it's not possible…"

"You think you don't belong here?" Luke said with surprise. "Ben, this is your home… You're my nephew… Not only that, but you're one of my star pupils… You excel at the Force, even with the obstacles you've had to overcome… How could you ever think that you wont become a Jedi Master?"

The Padawan shook his head. "I want to stay… but…" His body tensed. "I can't… My thoughts, my feelings… they aren't the way a Jedi, a _future_ Jedi, should think… And I…" A tear rolled down his cheek and he desperately wiped it away. "I can't fight them anymore." He looked up at his uncle, his eyes begging for help even though he'd never be able to voice it. "I don't want to hurt anyone! I want to make you proud, but… I'm just… so… _angry_ …"

Forgoing typical Jedi practice, Luke embraced his nephew. The boy went rigid with surprise, but quickly melted into the Jedi's hold. "I'm sorry, Ben," Luke said, his voice suddenly sad and weary, sounding his age. "I'm sorry… I should have known…"

Ben said nothing. Luke could feel the weariness emanating from the boy. How long had he been fighting against the darkness that had grown within him? How long had he been plagued by such conflict, and worked so hard to keep it hidden from his uncle and the others? No wonder he thought his only option was to leave… the boy had to be exhausted. And it was clear, now, that something external was only adding to the pressure. Ben was not only vulnerable, but he was also a target. _How long of your short life had you been fighting to be good, Ben… fighting an invisible war all by yourself…_

"Ben," Luke said, pulling away. "Ben, look at me." The Padawan obeyed. "I want you to stay." The boy started to protest, but Luke stopped him. "Ah, ah, just… hear me out… I want you to stay, just a little while longer… We can start working on a new level of training for you, one that the others aren't prepared for, but that I think you're ready to take on." Immediately, the boy's eyes lightened up, thirsty for knowledge, for anything that might alleviate his suffering. "If that doesn't work, then we can see about setting you up with something else, somewhere else… if you truly wish to go. What say you?"

He could already tell by the look in the boy's eyes that he wanted an excuse to stay. _Any_ excuse. He didn't want to leave, he just didn't want to hurt anyone. He didn't want to disappoint anyone… He was tired. And help from his legendary uncle just might do the trick. Relief flowed from him in great waves.

Unfortunately, he wasn't able to get the words of gratitude out before the crippling darkness took hold.


End file.
